GOING TO BE A STAR!!! Or, more likely, I was expecting something about Paganism and witchcraft (which I DID end up getting, but it was like second down on a list of reasons - and it wasn't the expected "oh, it's a pentagram because I'm a witch!)

When I asked about it, she went through a pretty lengthy "uhm and ah" phase, where she seemed to be sizing me up as to what she could tell me. I gave her the "pentacle" lead because I wasn't sure if maybe she'd run into trouble explaining - maybe Richmond is conservative enough that some people would get pissed-off if there was any hint of DEVILWORSHIPPINWITCHCRAFTCOMMIETREE-
HUGGIN about.

But she explained that the five-pointed star was a representation of perfection, related to the Golden Mean, phi, and the natural proportions that crop up again and again in... er... nature.... there was a huge explaination that I'm not embarassed to say primarily went over my head. I left my fascination with numbers behind a couple of years ago, and though there are times that I miss it...

Anywho, I was semi-familiar with the concept through art school - that there are naturally "perfect" proportions that exist, that we find attractive. I'd never run across the five-point star as a representation of that, but it makes sense as a culmination of those concepts.

Another reason had to do with the representation of humanity being perfected through the joining of a man and a woman - I think going back to Pagan symbology. I was curious about what this implied about her beliefs - about what she thought about equlity vs the popularized concept of feminism, etc etc - But you don't get into that conversation with somone while they're trying to bus tables.

It was good back-story - (no pun intended) for a woman who will eventually fade from my memory - being nothing but what I write down here and an image of a star. It's strange to think that in another couple of years she'll be nothing but a couple of paragraphs and a star and a memory of crystalline eyes.

It's a shame - this Trip is about communication, you know? But I feel like we're moving too fast to create any ties. Quantity over quality? I just don't know.

With any luck, she'll look over the Journal and say "IT JUST AINT TRUE" and email me a better description... and maybe even her name.

Sigh.

Gosh... am I creepy? I hope I'm not creepy.

I think I'm about to get a half-dozen emails from people saying "yep, you're creepy."

January 28th, 2004.
We're sitting in a gas station parking lot - we're going to Iota's... any second now. A lot of my Life is taken up by waiting, and by not using that time adequately. I sleep too much, watch too much television, listen to Heather practice guitar. But there's the feeling that I still don't get enough done.

I had something that MIGHT equate to a panic attack in high school once. Probably brought on my college applications and money and signing my draft papers just as Desert Storm got rolling. Scary stuff.

Now I feel that weight on my chest again. Nothing crippling like that one time... and Heather's described REAL panic from back when she worked at the Sun. But - this is weight. This morning, I was exhausted, and my eyes weren't really too interested in opening, but the weight on my chest was suffocating, making my shoulders ache, making me feel futile and stupid and slow and scared.

Tomorrow night will be one of the "BIG NIGHTS" fr the band - playing at Iota's is a big deal. But there are all sorts of tension points, even just about that. I don't know - gigs at this point should be routine things. We get a time, show up, set up, play the gig, get paid, go home. But there are so many conflicting egos and conflicting schedules, that even getting the whole band there on time is just a pain.