November 2nd, 2003.

ilyAIMY dressed up as Alice in Wonderland creatures for Heather's birthday / Halloween at the Vault in Baltimore, MD. — ilyAIMY dressed up as Alice in Wonderland creatures for Heather’s birthday / Halloween at the Vault in Baltimore, MD.

Long nights. Halloween was spectacular. The show went way better than I expected, with really good turn-out and such incredible energy. There’s this feeling of pent up joy that I get – I want to cry because the moment is perfect – and I have my friends and creatures and girlfriend and bandmates all rolled into the same room. Only a few faces were missing.

Heather's brother, Justin, as Indiana Jones' father in the Last Crusade. — Heather’s brother, Justin, as Indiana Jones’ father in the Last Crusade.

The high tension of sexuality pulsing through the room, the music, the chaos and the last minute panic. So What went off pretty well, with few people knowing the song well enough to see where I’d forgotten the words. Always my panic – that I won’t remember the words. I often fear that I am the weak spot in my own band. Weird, hey?

Brian as... er... something very very angry. Yes, Ian - THIS is the Brian you remind me of. — Brian as… er… something very very angry. Yes, Ian – THIS is the Brian you remind me of.

Such highs and such lows. Every time we come back from our wanderings, I’m amazed by how tight the band remains. I’m almost angry about it. The more time Heather and I spend together, the more our cohesion falls to bits, the more my relationships turn to shit, but the band itself plays better and better.

Dan is NOT a construction worker. He is a male stripper. He's getting a PhD and this is the way he's paying his way through school. Just in case his mom reads this (cause I'm sure EVERYONE's mom reads this) - it's ALL TRUE!!! HIS SCHOLARSHIPS DON'T BUY HIM THOSE FANCY FUR THONGS, AND HIS TUITION IS PAID IN SINGLES!!! — Dan is NOT a construction worker. He is a male stripper. He’s getting a PhD and this is the way he’s paying his way through school. Just in case his mom reads this (cause I’m sure EVERYONE’s mom reads this) – it’s ALL TRUE!!! HIS SCHOLARSHIPS DON’T BUY HIM THOSE FANCY FUR THONGS, AND HIS TUITION IS PAID IN SINGLES!!!

Maybe that’s the pain speaking? How cliche. I know I’m sort of a failure as a rockstar. I don’t drink – where’s the heroin and whores? But the mood swings are fast and furious now. More black and white than they’d been since college, and the peaks are coming fewer and further between.\

I’m reminded of my high school math teacher, who “held out” against anti-depressants till his late twenties – I had confided in him some time in twelfth grade – but he gave in. I’ve been told it’s a losing battle, and that at some point your choices narrow down to A or B, with B being medication.

Alfred (percussion) finally gets put away. The fact that he can stick his tongue through his mask makes me feel distinctly unclean. The Mad Hatter indeed.

Well, if nothing else, my health insurance won’t cover B, and we force an option C – music and art… will it keep me even SEMI sane? Who knows, but whereas Prozac won’t get covered by health insurance, I CAN claim strings as a tax deduction…Where was I? Oh yeah – what I MEANT to say, was that Halloween rocked! So What was this grand transformation. I got to scream DIE at an audience and mean it.

I think, I think I think… that I shall set this down and continue typing once I’ve had some sleep. This is NOT the mood in which I should continue typing…. oooh my watch and whiskers, good NIGHT!

Yeah, see, everything – so much better after having slept. NOW I can type about how fantastic the world is…

Halloween is Heather’s birthday, and when the Vault first invited us to do their Halloween party, there were all sorts of crazy events planned – it was going to be one Hell of a birthday party. So, as events disappeared, one by one – I got really discouraged… but it made us stand out. Halloween spirit was carried by ilyAIMY and our fans. An amazing time had by all. Crisp autumn air blew around tight skirts, under strange flapping wings, and kept us from spontaneous full band combustion.

Just barely.

— distraction, Heather is teaching about corsets. Oh God. Yeah – on Halloween night, there was a questionable moment when Heather dragged me into the women’s bathroom, and in the midst of the dragging, my hormonal rush was checked by “Do you have your knife?” The Alice costume was too tight, and I spent the next ten minutes cutting seams so she could breathe… (that’s so EVERYONE KNOWS why we went into the bathroom together!!)

WHO's been a BAD BUNNY!!? — WHO’s been a BAD BUNNY!!?

Gosh, I really have to find a better way to do this damned Journal… sigh. [haha]

The Vault truly is one of the best places we play. The sound may be shit half the time, but the people are friendly, the owner is upfront and does his math in FRONT of you and even the security guys got into the spirit of things, with masks and stuff and they help you carry drums.

I don’t know, Life doesn’t get much better than an honest owner. Thanks Jack.

A lot of musicians don’t like the Vault – and I think it’s because there’s too much math. Most musicians AREN’T mathematicians… which is WHY most of us are starving.

really.

I’m sitting in the sunroom, watching Caramia explore the world. She’s a beautiful kitten, running rampant, Living up to the legends of curiousity befitting such an animal. Climbing on tables, chewing on plants, shedding… she needs constant supervision lest she eat dice. She’s Heather’s instant joy. If I could make Heather smile like that kitten does – well, there’d be rings.

Last night we went to see the University of Maryland’s production of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Heather, as a former member of the Satanic Mechanics, got us front row seats – and as usual, there was more eye candy than I could shake a… er… a stick at. Hrm.

Heathers are ALWAYS hot. (Caramia is nibbling my laptop).

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Er, not being one to screw with the course that nature takes, I’ll leave the kitten’s additions to the journal. There, now she’s off to attack the floor or something, buying me some time to type sensibly again.

There we are with Tweedle Dee AND Tweedle Dum - ON BONES AND VOCALS - Rowan Corbett (on loan from Tinsmith). He was all covered in blood, which makes me think his two sides were fighting. Sigh. Poor poor man. er... men. er... something. — There we are with Tweedle Dee AND Tweedle Dum – ON BONES AND VOCALS – Rowan Corbett (on loan from Tinsmith). He was all covered in blood, which makes me think his two sides were fighting. Sigh. Poor poor man. er… men. er… something.

Heather mentioned to me that this is probably our FIRST full band photograph ever. That's just kind of distression. It occurs to me that most people who read this Journal, aren't neccessarily familiar with the band... so...(activate announcer's voice!) ON BASS - the Ace of Spades - Frank Rusch ON GUITAR AND VOCALS - Alice - Heather "Danger" Lloyd ON GUITAR AND VOCALS - the White Rabbit - rob (me) ON PERCUSSION - the Mad Hatter - Alfred Kamajian and last but not least, wiggling in the back, grinning like a CHESHIRE CAT - Sharif Kellogg on keyboards and electric guitar! (insert massive crowd noise here) — Heather mentioned to me that this is probably our FIRST full band photograph ever. That’s just kind of distressing. It occurs to me that most people who read this Journal, aren’t neccessarily familiar with the band… so…(activate announcer’s voice!)
ON BASS – the Ace of Spades – Frank Rusch
ON GUITAR AND VOCALS – Alice – Heather “Danger” Lloyd
ON GUITAR AND VOCALS – the White Rabbit – rob (me)
ON PERCUSSION – the Mad Hatter – Alfred Kamajian
and last but not least, wiggling in the back, grinning like a CHESHIRE CAT – Sharif on keyboards and electric guitar!
(insert massive crowd noise here)

Alice dancing with Taccara. Not only do we have hot fans, but DAMN they can MOVE!

She Ra and some peasant girl. They didn't even know us. I Love looking out into the audience and knowing everyone who's danc- hey, wait a minute... people we DON'T KNOW who are dancing. We know then that we are slowly taking over the world. Or at least, the Lovely blonde parts. — She Ra and some peasant girl. They didn’t even know us. I Love looking out into the audience and knowing everyone who’s danc- hey, wait a minute… people we DON’T KNOW who are dancing. We know then that we are slowly taking over the world. Or at least, the Lovely blonde parts.

Later, Alice went and sang with our hosts, Velvetene. Adaam is writhing with his guitar as... that's weird how it looks like Heather's possibly fretting the bass, but that's just not the way it is. Also weird how that reminded me that in my dream last night I found a six-string bass in the trash and brought it home but when I polished it up it turned out to just be a five-string, and I've already got one of those so I just threw it out again. Dumb dream, — Later, Alice went and sang with our hosts, Velvetene. Adaam is writhing with his guitar as… that’s weird how it looks like Heather’s possibly fretting the bass, but that’s just not the way it is. Also weird how that reminded me that in my dream last night I found a six-string bass in the trash and brought it home but when I polished it up it turned out to just be a five-string, and I’ve already got one of those so I just threw it out again. Dumb dream,

Well, either he was here because he Loves ilyAIMY, or it's because we have the absolute hottest fans of any band around. It's a sign of how good we're playing nowadays, I suppose - a mark that we're getting big. We've got a couple of fans that come down from Philadelphia, some from Virginia, some from DC and most from Maryland... so we're drawing people from four states to come see us.... I'm beginning to get Propositioned after shows.... our fans are all REALLY hot... someone ELSE carries our guitars... high school girls are writing our name on their notebooks... what other signs ARE there of rockstar success? — Well, either he was here because he Loves ilyAIMY, or it’s because we have the absolute hottest fans of any band around. It’s a sign of how good we’re playing nowadays, I suppose – a mark that we’re getting big. We’ve got a couple of fans that come down from Philadelphia, some from Virginia, some from DC and most from Maryland… so we’re drawing people from four states to come see us…. I’m beginning to get Propositioned after shows…. our fans are all REALLY hot… someone ELSE carries our guitars… high school girls are writing our name on their notebooks… what other signs ARE there of rockstar success? Oh yeah, that whole money thing. Where IS my private jet?
Sigh.

Alice Cooper and... someone frightening. I believe these are Swathlings. Huge thanks to Jason (Chainsaw) for coming out and supporting us so much recently. I don't know, he must really like us or something.... so, when is Swath and ilyAIMY playing together? Somewhere OTHER than that shit-hole, Palomas? — Alice Cooper and… someone frightening. I believe these are Swathlings. Huge thanks to Jason (Chainsaw) for coming out and supporting us so much recently. I don’t know, he must really like us or something…. so, when is Swath and ilyAIMY playing together? Somewhere OTHER than that shit-hole, Palomas?

And then I think I made it about one more song before losing the other ear. Sigh. Heather did a good job making the ears, Justin did a good job drilling the ears, but when it comes to head, screws just ain't enough. — And then I think I made it about one more song before losing the other ear. Sigh. Heather did a good job making the ears, Justin did a good job drilling the ears, but when it comes to head, screws just ain’t enough.

I think I made it through two songs with two ears... then one... left. Sigh. — I think I made it through two songs with two ears… then one… left. Sigh.

Anywho, part of my distress the other night, I think (God, I’d better reread whatever I wrote) – was over the fact that… somehow the RHPS people are real family. And I often don’t feel like I can compete somehow, simply because of lack of precedent – or the music isn’t as important because it has no lineage to it – it’s hard to explain, really. Just the feeling that when Heather looks back at her days as Frank in Rocky, she does so with a good deal of nostalgia – she misses being part of something greater than herself, and somehow the music, the Trip, the band and I – I feel like we don’t measure up. But I know that’s mostly my own insecurity talking…. Hell – THIS –>

goddess is my girlfriend... how can I NOT feel insecure?!!? — goddess is my girlfriend… how can I NOT feel insecure?!!?

Anywho, despite all the eyecandy, Heather was STILL the hottest creature in the room.

Brennan as a particularly spectacular Riff Raff. Wasn't one of the cats in that Godawful Heathcliff cartoon named Riff Raff? I wonder if there's a connexion....? — Brennan as a particularly spectacular Riff Raff. Wasn’t one of the cats in that Godawful Heathcliff cartoon named Riff Raff? I wonder if there’s a connexion….?

Everything can go so well, there can be a perfect show, beautiful people, incredible friends, gatherings of greatness… and then some assholes had to egg, mayonaise, AND molasses Mitzi’s car. And then sat on their porch and laughed at her as she called the police and they told her that they wouldn’t be able to prove anything.

That’s almost as bad as the ass-raping we had to go through to deal with our fucking car radio – except there are people here…. people who you wish you could hurt.

Our society is in this stupid phase right now, where the law can’t cover everything, and common courtesy can’t be counted on. I wish vigilantism was part of my make-up… I get so angry, wishing we could go back and do damage. $150+ damage to her car and we have faces and addresses and … we should be able to do something about that.

Of course, having it up on my website ASSURES we can’t, now doesn’t it.

Just wishes, my friends, just wishes. Wishes for molotov cocktails and pain. It’s not the damage so much as the laughter. I hate being laughed at, and it’s been a huge part of my whole Life. Sticks and stones- but eggs deserve response ten fold.